The first holidays

Your first Thanksgiving without your mom

Thanksgiving is built around a table, food and family, and for many families she was the center of all three. There's no right way to do this first one. Here are some ways other families have found through it.

Thanksgiving is Thursday, November 26, 2026.

Why this one is so hard

It's often the details that hit hardest. Her stuffing that nobody has the exact recipe for. The phone call that used to sort out who was bringing what. The chair at the end of the table. If she hosted, there's also a practical question nobody wants to ask: whose house now?

Many people find the days leading up to it harder than the day itself. If you're dreading it, that's normal, and it doesn't mean the day will go the way you fear.

Decide together, and early

Talk with your family this week rather than the night before. A few questions to settle:

  • Where? Some families keep it at her house one more time. Others find that too much and move it somewhere new.
  • Who cooks what? Split up her dishes so no one person carries all of them.
  • Same day, or something different? A smaller meal, a restaurant, a walk and leftovers, or skipping it this year are all reasonable choices.

Changing a tradition this year isn't abandoning her. Many families change things for the first year and come back to the old way later.

Ways to include her

  • Make one of her dishes, even if it doesn't come out quite right. Put her handwritten recipe card on the table next to it.
  • Use her serving dish, her tablecloth or her good plates.
  • Before eating, go around the table and have everyone share one memory of her, or finish the sentence "Mom would have…"
  • Light a candle at her place, or leave her chair as it is. Some families prefer to fill it so the gap isn't the focus. Ask, and go with what most people want.
  • Give the kids a job: drawing a picture of Grandma, or setting out her photo.
  • Write her a letter before the day, and keep it in your pocket.

Words for the table

If nobody knows what to say, these are simple enough to read from a card. Change anything to fit your family.

A toastBefore we eat, I want to say Mom's name out loud, because it would feel wrong not to. She'd want us all here, arguing about [the thing your family always argues about] and eating too much. So, to [her name], who taught us how to do Thanksgiving.

A graceThank you for this food and for everyone at this table. We miss [her name] today, and we're grateful for every Thanksgiving we had with her. Help us be gentle with each other. Amen.

If everyone's looking to you

Often one person ends up holding the family together: the one who hosts, plans and checks on everybody. If that's you, hand off jobs early, and give yourself an exit plan for the day, like a walk after dinner or a drive to pick something up. It's okay to cry at the table. It usually gives everyone else permission too.

Looking after yourself on the day

  • Keep plans smaller than usual and leave space to leave early.
  • Pick one person you can text if it gets hard.
  • Step outside for a few minutes when you need to. Nobody will mind.
  • Go easy on alcohol. It tends to make grief heavier later, not lighter.
  • The evening, when the house goes quiet, can be the hardest part. Plan something gentle for it.

If you're spending it alone

That might be your choice, or it might just be how things fell this year. Either way, a few options: make her dish for yourself, call someone who knew her and swap a story, accept one invitation even if it's only for dessert, or spend part of the day volunteering. Doing something she would have done can feel like spending the day with her.

Questions people ask

Is it okay to skip Thanksgiving this year?

Yes. Plenty of families do something different or skip the first year entirely. You can let people know it's not a forever decision, just what you need this year.

Should we leave her chair empty?

Either is fine. An empty chair or a candle can be a way to include her; filling it can make the day easier to get through. Ask the family and go with what feels right to most people.

What do I say to a friend whose mom died before Thanksgiving?

Something short and specific helps: "I've been thinking about you this week. Thanksgiving must feel different without your mom. Can I drop off a plate, or would you like company?" If you're stuck, our free sympathy message writer can help.

Related

If grief feels heavier than you can carry right now, you deserve real support. In the US, call or text 988 any time. Our support page lists more, including help outside the US.