His traditions
Most dads had a few Christmas jobs that were simply theirs: the lights on the house, the trip to find a tree, assembling the impossible toy at midnight, reading the same story on Christmas Eve, making the same breakfast. This year those jobs will either go undone or be done by someone else, and both can hurt.
Decide as a family which ones to keep. It can be a real comfort for a son, daughter or grandchild to take one over ("I'll do the lights this year, Dad's way"), and it's also fine to leave some of them for later years.
If Mom (or his partner) is on her own now
Her first Christmas without her husband may look different from yours. She might want the house full, or quiet, or to be somewhere else entirely. Ask her. Offer specific help with the things he used to do, especially the physical ones, like the ladder, the tree, the drive to the airport. And plan to check on her in the quiet days between Christmas and New Year's.
Gifts and cards
His gifts. If he always gave the same thing (a book, a card with a twenty in it, a terrible joke gift), some families keep the tradition going in his name. You could also give a gift in his memory to something he cared about.
Christmas cards. Skip them this year if you need to. If you send them, a short line is enough: "Our first Christmas without Dad. We're holding each other close, and thinking of everyone who loved him."
Ways to remember him on the day
- Make his breakfast, his drink, or the dish only he made.
- Hang his ornament first, or give each of his kids one of his ornaments.
- Wear something of his: his Christmas sweater, his hat, his watch.
- Play the music he played every year, even the songs everyone complained about.
- Ask each person to share a Christmas memory of him before dinner.
- Write him a letter, and read it on Christmas Eve.
A few words, if you need them
Before dinnerDad loved [the lights / the food / watching us open presents more than opening his own]. He'd tell us to stop being sad and pass the [his favorite dish]. So let's do that. To [his name].
A note for Christmas EveDad, I did [one of his jobs] this year. It wasn't as good as yours. [Something you want him to know.] Merry Christmas.
Getting through the season
- Say no to some invitations, and yes to one or two with people who knew him.
- Expect the hard moments to be random: a song in a store, his handwriting on a gift tag. Let them pass.
- Keep the day itself simple, and plan something gentle for the 26th.
- Laugh about him. The stories are the best part of keeping him with you.
Questions people ask
Who should take over Dad's Christmas traditions?
Whoever wants to, and only if they want to. Some families share his jobs out as a way of honoring him; others let some traditions rest for a year. Talk about it before December gets busy.
How do we help Mom through the first Christmas without Dad?
Ask what she wants, help with the jobs he used to do, and check on her in the days after Christmas, which are often the loneliest.
What do I write in a Christmas card to someone whose dad died this year?
Name him and keep it warm: "Thinking of you and remembering your dad this Christmas. Sending you so much love for this first one." Our free sympathy message writer can help with more.
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